Stupid Grocery Tricks: Cream Top Milk

Food fads can be a real hoot to watch.  Take for example, the whole Raw Milk debate: some folks claim that heat destroys many of the health benefits of milk produced by grass-fed cows. So now you can buy unpasteurized, unhomogenized milk, if you know where to look.  Milk sold in this form is visually different than “normal” milk–you know the saying “the cream rises to the top”?  Well, now you know where that came from.  

But what if you want the look of raw milk, but you’re a little freaked out about the prospect of all of those little microorganisms saturating your chocolate-chip cookie?  Or maybe you’re a dairy farmer whose barn isn’t quite clean enough to safely produce milk that isn’t subjected to a very reliable industrial sterilization process?  Well, there’s a new product for you–“Cream Top” milk!


A little help, here?

A little help, here?

OK, OK, there are a few of issues.  First of all, there’s the name.  Cream Top? It sounds like a particularly disgusting genre of pornography.  Second, theres’s obviously a teeny-weeny problem with, well… GETTING THE MILK OUT OF THE BOTTLE when you first open it.  The label implores one to shake the bottle before pouring, but unfortunately, that cream forms an impenetrable capsule impervious to (at least my) best efforts at shaking.  So you’ll have to use a knife or something to puncture the cream in order to pour the milk.  

The third problem is that the now-dislodged cream cap will now break into many smaller chunks that float around in the milk.  Again, the solution here is supposed to be shaking.  (Presumably, the people who like this product are pretty good at violently flailing their limbs.)  Unfortunately, the cap provided with the bottle is a little bit tricky, and if you’re not EXTREMELY CAREFUL, you’ll end up with skim spray and cream chunks all over the kitchen.  

I think that name is starting to get to me.